By JEFFERSON WEAVER

I heard the other day how the Pope has written a new set of Ten Commandments, this time for drivers. This was just about the time I swerved to avoid a woman applying makeup as she drove down the road.

I’m kidding, of course. I heard about the Pope’s new rules before I left home. The swerving came a few minutes later.

I agree with several things recommended by His Holiness; we should all be courteous and prudent, be willing to help others, and look after families of wreck victims.

But when I look at the other commandments, I have to question where and when was the last time His Holiness drove down a highway.

By the way, even though I’m a Baptist, I’m still polite, and people like to call the Pope His Holiness. I admire many of his stands, even though I don’t agree with Catholicism. Hence, I mean no disrespect when I call him His Holiness.

Therefore, please, if you are one of my much beloved Catholic friends, don’t accuse me of insulting the Pope by using his honorary term, even though you are a heathen papist.

My oldest brother, the expatriate hippy, lives in Italy, where some drivers can be shot under almost any circumstances. How is that different from here, you may ask?

Most of the shooters in Italy seem to be the police, and they do so legally, since those who are generally shot are very, very bad people. Still, try to plead that down to an improper equipment charge.

Such behavior violates at least two of the Pope’s commandments – Number One, You shall not kill, and Number Two, the road “shall be…a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm.”

However, it enforces the statutes like Number Nine (Protect the vulnerable) and Number Ten (Feel responsible toward others).

One could even argue that blowing away a suspected terrorist in a traffic stop follows Number Six, charitably convincing the young not to drive when they are not able to do so.
Seeing a man get shot by the police for a traffic violation would make an extremely careful driver out of anyone, young or old.

While I feel any true Christian can follow the original, biblical Ten Commandments, I’m not sure even the Pope could follow his own rules of the road.

I mean, come on – Number Five reads, and I quote, “Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin.”

Cars have always been an expression of power (red paint, mag wheels and big block V-8 engines), domination (SUVs, especially Hummers) and occasions for sin (no comment).
In the South, I’m particularly worried about how literally one should take the first admonition, “You shall not kill.”

If the prohibition involving death extends to possums and deer, we’re all in trouble. What about the mosquitoes that cover my windshield? Much as I admire the intent, I don’t think His Holiness has thought this whole thing through.

With all due respect to His Holiness, I’d like to offer my own set of additional commandments for drivers. I figure there’s only one set of God-inspired commandments anyway, so His Holiness is no more or less qualified than I am to write a set of rules.

While his were translated from (I think) Latin into modern English, I’m a King James Version kind of man, so please bear with my rather fractured Elizabethan English.
Number One: Thou shalt not talk on thy cellular phone unless thou hast a truly hands-free device and will park within the next 100 feet.

Number Two: Thou shalt not remove or apply clothing, cosmetics, hair products or nail polish whilst the vehicle is moving. It’s dangerous, distracting and rude.

Number Three: Thou shalt not toss a cigarette butt out the window, lest it set the shoulder of the road on fire.

Nay, it might even blow back through the window and burn out the back seat of your father’s prized 1968 Chrysler.

Number Four: If thy dog must ride with thee, cast up thy dog into the passenger area of the vehicle, or in a true dog box. Yea verily, if ye let the dog wander through the back of the truck unleashed, he will become frightened and hurt.

Number Five: Thou shalt stop to assist anyone broken down beside the road, or any hitchhiker who is steadfastly walking toward his destination. Thou shalt not pick up hitchhikers who simply stand by the road being lazy.
Number Six: Thou shalt pull to the farthest gas pump available, lest ye block off six gas pumps to use one.

Thou shalt also refrain from the use of cigarettes and cellular telephones around the gas pumps. What part of flammable, explosive vapors don’t thee understand?

Number Seven: Thou shalt not curse the policeman, deputy or trooper who saves your life or someone else’s by stopping you from doing something stupid.

Number Eight: Thou shalt not throw trash out thy window.

Number Nine: Thou shalt drive like a sensible, courteous person, using thy turn signals properly, turning off thy blinker when thou hast turned, and thou shalt maintain a regular speed, not slowing and accelerating (especially when someone is trying to pass thee).

And Number Ten: Thou shalt give right of way to anyone removing a turtle, possum, deer, raccoon or snake from the roadway. It art rude to strike someone whilst they are grocery shopping.

Weaver is a staff writer at The News Reporter. He can be reached at 642-4104, ext. 227, or via email at jeffweaver@newsreporter.biz.