By JEFFERSON WEAVER
Staff writer

Several African tribes had a somewhat brutal, if efficient, way of making sure young men and women were ready for adulthood.

Adolescents were taken into the wilderness for a month or so and taught what was expected of them as grownups. Elders from the village would gather groups of young men and women on the appointed day and escort them from their parents’ bosom. The initiates took only a rice bowl when they left their homes.

After the appointed month to six weeks, the successful young men would return equipped with tools and weapons needed to feed and provide for a family.

The successful young women would return with the pots and domestic equipment needed to maintain a household. The adolescents would now be ready to begin taking their places in the village as adults.

Oh yes, the unsuccessful students? Their rice bowl would be tossed through the door of their parents’ hut, and the kids were generally not seen again.

With some tribes, the family would be shunned, because their child’s failure was a mark of shame on the family, a sign that Mom and Dad should have been better parents. Notably, one of the cardinal rules of being a grownup was retaining one’s virginity until marriage.

I don’t seriously think such a cruel policy has a place in today’s society, but I can’t help but wonder if the ever-benighted Britney Spears might have benefited.

If nothing else, we might not have to see supposedly legitimate news professionals panting like a correspondent for a teen-celeb magazine because Ms. Spears banged someone’s car, drank too much, or bought a dog when she should have been buying underwear.

We don’t have village elders anymore, but we still have a few grandmas around. Had Britney spent some serious time with a grandma – not even necessarily her own – I’d be willing to bet she might have turned out differently.

Grandmas will love you, but no matter what you might get away with at home, grandmas instill manners, self-respect, and yes, fear. Grandmas do not let the courts get in the way of a well-deserved switch, or for that matter, a badly-needed hug.

Ms. Spears came from the South, which should have given her an advantage over regionally-disadvantaged children from less civilized parts of the country.

When she started her downward spiral, her parents should have stepped in – preferably when the first signs of stupidity hit the national spotlight.

To borrow a phrase I heard recently in a country store, “Her momma should have lengthened her skirt and took her to church if she had to use a leash.”

Instead, Ms. Spears went from a cute little girl to a Mouseketeer and later, a teen celebrity who simultaneously inspired teenyboppers and child molesters. And when she turned 18 or so, things really began going down hill.

I truly feel sorry for the pop-tart, but the majority of her problems were self-induced. I cannot imagine the pressure of being 20-something and having millions of dollars in disposable income, and nothing to do with one’s time. I’m pretty danged sure that, had I a talent valuable enough to earn a few dozen million dollars by age 25, my upbringing, self-respect and conscience would never have allowed me to make such mistakes. Plus, I’m pretty sure I’d have listened to my parents, at least on the important stuff. I still respected my parents at that age (and were they still alive, I still would) and when they spoke, I listened.

But poor Ms. Spears hasn’t listened to her parents. I assume they are telling the truth when they claim to have tried to intervene.

There’s another word I have grown to despise – intervene.

Parents shouldn’t intervene – they should parent.

But I’m sure that once again Ms. Spears will go into rehab. After all, it’s the stylish thing.

I have known people who truly needed drug and alcohol rehabilitation; I’ve seen some of them get the help they needed and return to be a productive part of society. I’ve also seen several who failed miserably, either because of personal demons or no desire to change.

So it grumbles me greatly that the latest pop-tart can erase criminal mistakes, evade blame for really irresponsible actions, and basically make everything all right by going into a trendy rehab clinic.

Were you or I to commit some of these acts, even the most inept district attorney and the least competent judge could crucify us.

But money and fame seem to have replaced responsibility and decency, at least in some places. What kind of example does this set for the children and teens who are eating up every bit of pop-culture news they see on the television or the internet?

Sadly, Britney’s pregnant 16-year-old sister seems headed down the same path; at least she isn’t planning on having an abortion, but I worry this is more from a love of the fame being enjoyed by pregnant celebrities than from a sense of responsibility.

Maybe Britney’s parents will realize that even though Ms. Spears is technically an adult, she ain’t grown up. Maybe they will break through the groupies and the retainers and the hangers-on to straighten their daughter out.

I honestly, sincerely hope Ms. Spears will get her life together before she becomes another Anna Nicole Smith, although she’s well on her way to joining that sad, sad woman-child.

Maybe Ms. Spears can benefit from some serious therapy for drugs, depression, and yes, being dumber than dirt.

But I can’t help but wonder if she wouldn’t have better benefited from a grandma – and the shame of worrying whether her rice bowl would be thrown through the door of her family’s hut.

Or for that matter, the embarrassment of her momma taking her to church on a leash.

– Weaver is a staff writer at The News Reporter. He can at 642-4104, ext. 227, or via email at jeffweaver@newsreporter.biz.