By JEFFERSON WEAVER
Staff writer

Someone asked me the other day why I didn’t run for president.

I figured I needed to reevaluate our friendship really fast, since no true friend would want another to undergo such an inquisitorial process.

Of course, even if I didn’t have so many skeletons rattling around in my closet, I wouldn’t want to run for political office.

I don’t have time, plus Miss Rhonda gets grumbly enough when she has to feed the critters on days I must leave early. If I were gone for months at a time to uncivilized places like Florida, South Carolina, or New York, she might actually get cranky.

I’d also be expected to polish, tailor, and compromise my opinions to meet the expectations of the campaign advisors, better known as people with no real jobs, no real life, and no clue about the real world. Since I loathe such people, I might have to hurt one of them – at least his feelings – and cause another scandal.

Were there ever again a state or national candidate who reminded his advisors who wrote their paychecks, and that they should hush, I might openly support said candidate.

There again, the president has to live in town. Town living, to me, is abhorrent. There are a lot of good people in towns, I know, but I get nervous when I can see my neighbors.

A fishing buddy put it best a while back when we were discussing the presidential scenario: sure, if we elected a fisherman to the White House, a lot of fishermen could benefit – but how often does the chief executive get to go fishing?

But just for the heck of it, here’s the platform I’d use if I were involved in the knife-fight we call a presidential election. If you don’t like where I stand on some of these issues, that’s cool – I’m not running anyway.

• International relations – many, if not most, of our international problems could be solved if we annexed Mexico for the oil, dispensed with the so-called free trade and favored nation agreements, and established a quid pro quo (or rather, dollar for dollar) tariff system with other nations.

Countries that supported terrorism or in any way threatened Americans would be reminded of the time before America became all touchy-feely. Nations that molested Americans or our allies would returned to a Stone Age-level of civilization. We could then rebuild them and allow self-government after a decade or two.

Oh yes, and as our ambassador to the United Nations walked out the door, he would deliver an eviction for the entire organization. Foreign officials would have the choice of deportation or behaving themselves. The UN property would be sold at auction.

• Illegal immigration – By annexing Mexico, many of the folks who want to come here would be citizens. We would then collect taxes from them, they would work here legally, and be answerable to the judicial system.

• Income taxes – Give every IRS employee 60 days to find a new job. Establish a national sales tax, similar to what some folks call the “Fair Tax.” Quit punishing people and companies that are successful by taxing them half to death. As part of the new tax code, make companies decide if they are going to be American companies who provide jobs to Americans and benefit from a pro-business tax system, or American companies with banks in the Caribbean and sweatshops in Third World countries that suddenly must pay large tariffs to import shoddy goods into the US.

• Welfare – Reestablish the county workhouse program. Remove children from homes where the parents – note the plural – don’t work. If they truly can’t find a job, put them in the county poorhouse facility, where private businesses can contract with local governments to obtain short-term laborers, and where local governments have sufficient manpower for road crews, etc. Charge the business $10 to $15 per hour, 75 percent of which is turned back into the poorhouse program.

We once had county homes where residents who couldn’t care for themselves were cared for by other welfare recipients. Failure to do the job well resulted in (a) a loss of benefits or (b) jail. Putting shame back in welfare will get people off welfare. Period.

This is getting fun. What other toes can I trod upon?

• Gun control – No matter how you twist the numbers, armed societies have lower crime rates. I have been a victim/witness in four crimes where the suspect got up close and personal. Three of those times I was armed, and no one was hurt.

The other time, I was not armed, and had my head cracked against a concrete wall.

Where do you think I stand on gun control?

When it comes to school violence – fully half the vehicles in my school’s parking lot had a gun in the back window or the trunk from September through February. Most of the kids carried pocketknives. We had no shootings. Now kids can’t carry pocketknives, but they can have video games, and we have school shootings several times a year. We need to control video games, not firearms.

• Education – Return local control to public schools. Establish a voucher system, since everything – including education – benefits from a competitive economy. Completely revamp the standardized testing process so teachers have no idea what specific questions will be on tests, but they know what subjects will be covered. Have real people who work in the real world establish the testing guidelines. Forbid using more than 10 percent of classtime in direct test preparation.

Pay teachers well, and fire the ones who don’t teach. Give incentives to teachers whose students do well. Examine education assistance for anyone willing to work in a poorly-performing school. Do away with tenure and civil servant status.

Cut administrative staff by 25 percent across the board in every system. And for Pete’s sake, if someone wants to offer a child a copy of the New Testament – or the Talmud, or the Qu’ran – let them. The kid doesn’t have to accept it, and if the parents are providing a good moral and religious model at home, the kid needs a holy book.

• Capital punishment – murderers, rapists, child abusers, drug dealers and terrorists do not deserve to live a long life with honest folks paying for their cable TV and health care. Let the Supreme Court determine what guidelines justify the death penalty, and use it – regularly.

• Abortion – I believe life begins at conception, not when life is convenient to the mother. In cases of rape, incest or the mother’s life, it should be the mother’s informed choice. At the same time, ease adoption rules to help good homes with loving parents.

If you can check up on the clerk at the convenience store via the Internet, social service agencies can check the income, criminal and financial status of a prospective adoptive parent.

• Homosexuality – I find it abhorrent, unnatural, and against Biblical principles. I utterly oppose homosexual marriage and homosexual adoptions of children. That said, I don’t think we should run around arresting people for being gay, nor do I support violence toward them. However, the government should not force an employer to endorse a lifestyle he finds wrong through providing benefits for same-sex partners.

• Civil lawsuits – prohibit out-of-court settlements unless a major deduction in the settlement amount is applied to the court system.

Bring back the old English court process, where the judge can, if he has the backbone, rule not just against the person bringing the lawsuit, but if the case is found to be spurious, the justice can require the plaintiff to pay all court costs and fees, as well as a portion of the amount he or she demanded from a restaurant that served coffee that was too hot.

• Bring back the draft, with a minimum two years of service. Provide one year of college tuition for every two years in service. If you are truly opposed to military service, or have a physical problem that prevents service, you can opt to spend two years in public service at the same pay rate, but without the college benefit.

I could go on and on – this almost sounds like fun.

But as I noted earlier, I could never get on a national ticket, much less get elected.

Besides, after I bury a few of those closeted skeletons, I’ve got to go fishing.

– Weaver is a staff writer at The News Reporter. He lives in an old white house, but really doesn’t want to live in the White House.